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User blog:Tapao/The Life of a Player: Apocalypse Rising
'THE BEGINNING...BEGINS' (This blog is a Parody, obviously. If you can't handle the satirical input I make in this, than please exit through the cooridor on the right that reads, '"butthurt."' And, before you accuse me of saying I hate this game, I actually love it, but this is only my '''mere '''point of view of a typical player coming into the game. Although, if I happen to criticize the "crate" any in this, than it is most likely true. Have a nice day!) When you begin, the screen is nothing but a pitch black darkness of dark with a side of...dark. You hear some generic music play into the background, and the capitol of a place you'll never get to because you're going to get PWNed the first 5 minutes you start the game, appears. It then fades, overdramatically, and you are welcomed with a small box that asks you if you want to view a tutorial, as if you haven't played a zombie game before. You click "no," feeling the fact that you might feel ashamed of yourself for viewing it as you just put on your big boy pants today, and don't want to spoil them with the pee soaked stains of a help screen. The screen fades again, and you are welcomed with a customization screen, which could almost be as generically placed in as a kickstarted "DAYZ" clone. You notice you have a formidable amount of points to give your character stunning pre-upgrades before you even begin the game. Forgetting that you're wearing your big boy pants, you proceed to max out the crap out of your character, giving him the best clothes, navigation, and even a second perk, without realizing your big boy pants seem a little more moist than usual. After you've given every single possible thing to your character you ever '''could, you "spawn" (a geeky computer word used by people of the lowest class, that means "to enter/reenter the world") into the world, prepared that you are going to last way longer than those other, "casual noobs" that actually read the tutorial on HOW TO PLAY before proceeding. '''STARTING OUT (OR, "GETTING PWNED") That black screen you've been looking at the past 30 minutes finally decides, "oh crap, someone's trying to get in. I'll move outta the way, herpa derp" and disappears into the abyss. After that overly worded scenario you are greeted with your overly upgraded character, and yellow text that says, "Day 1" appears, practically telling you through its innocent hue of yellow, that "you're a noob, and I'm here to prove it!" Without any hesistation, you quickscope the small patch of words with your FAMAS, without even realising that you don't have a FAMAS, or any gun for that matter. You search around the baron spawn point aimlessly, scouring your small HUD screen until you finally see that you DO have a gun. "ma-ca-ruv?" you say? What the heck is that? When you click the strange name, you're character is now holding a gun...a very very very small gun, which happens to be your weapon you start with, sadly. You look up and notice two black boxes. One semi-large one labeled "open inventory," and another, much smaller, sadder, box that reads, "create a group." You never actually planned on being with a group, since you decided to go into this game all MLG and crap, so you decide to quickscope that little lonely box into oblivion. When that inevitably fails, you decide to let the lonely, sobbing box join you, but only until you figure out how to quickscope its balls to pieces. A whole 10 minutes of pointless word play and COD references later, you finally feel you're ready to tackle this rip-off of some game, you venture off into the rural landscape of...whatever the heck the map is called. So, you check your inventory that is already stacked to the balls with supplies and navigation, so you drink some water because why the heck not, and look at your map. When you see the map, it kind of reminds you a Microsoft paint program, with a little bit of google searched images added into to signify...important resource locations, I guess? You have no idea where you are, as you started out around nothing but rocks and grass, looking almost like something out of a "bear grylls" documentary, with the only exception being that you actually have crap to salvage. You finally locate a little farmhouse about 30-40 rubic meters ahead (get it, RUBIC meters? heh, I just replaced the "c" with "r" and made a roblox measurement. Heh heh...) One Jay Leno joke later, you're finally at the farmhouse, ready to scavage it from the ground up, but you don't realize that un-animated zombie was behind you, until your screen starts flashing red and you hear some generic sounds of "The Forest" cannibals, but with less effort put into it. You jump behind you and look at your first enemy: the zombie. Or should I say, a clearly unanimated, 2D textured, walking stick, but with less "walk" and more "hovering while staying leveled to the ground." These zombies are apparently dangerous, since they nab small portions of your health the more you idly sit there and take it from them. Heck, while you went to go get that 3% milk from your mom's fridge, the things nearly nabbed off all of it. Because for some reason, while you're attacked, you feel that you deserve a cold drink of milk, so while your character is helplessly motionless against the sole zombie biting at you little by little, you can enjoy yourself and have what you came for. Well, guess what genius? Your maxed out character just died of blood loss...oh no, he didn't. He's still at about 30% health, because of how slow that zombie is biting him, giving you enough time to put out your small "pew-pew" gun a one-shot kill him (or should I see 4 shot kill him, since you were TERRIFYIED by his generic appearence, and landed 4 body shots to a ZOMBIE, wasting half a mag in the progress. You feel relieved you survived such a DANGEROUS encounter, and proceeded to loot the only thing in the room: a piece of DB shotgun ammo (note that you don't have a DB shotgun.) After that totally not-pointless quest, you walk out the farmhouse and die. Yes, you die. As you sit there, that blank expression and gaping mouth open, to see all that lovely white coating your yellow teeth, you have no idea what just happened, and feel that the game cheated you out of your MAXED OUT character (even though you clearly never saw that your Hunger bar was low.) So, you proceed to write an angry letter to the developer of the game, GUSMANAK (with many theorizing that his first name "Gus" when it more than likely isn't.) You scroll down that click that "send message" button, before realizing how stupid you are that the developer disabled that very button, preventing anyone from sending him a message. What if someone encounters a problem, or has a problem with one of the new features (like, you know, the disabling of manual storage, and the addition of the EXTREMELY rare "crate".) Well, you could probably send it to him via twitter, but you realize you don't have a twitter, just like any sane person ever. So, going against the statement I just said one sentence ago, you make a twitter account, (Xxx_360n0scoperCasul_xxX, to be specific) and proceed to rant about how "the game is broken." You triumphently send the message (oh, I'm sorry, TWEET) and wait to hear back from him. 5 easily boring minutes later, he still hasn't responded. 5 more boring minutes later, and the same outcome occurs. You soon realize that you're never going to get a response from him (being a "sane" conclusion) and proceed to rant in the "commentary" section of the game (thus, being an "insane" conclusion. Have you learned nothing?) You type all about how it is the worst game ever, and that the game is shameful to any other zombie game that ever existed (is it shameful to "The Slaughtering Grounds," hm?) and wait to see if anyone replies, sharing your pain and misery, and letting you know that your not the only parasidic twat left in this world. Instead, you get a barage of hate comments, describing unintelligent you are, and how you should go die in a whole (intentional spelling mistake), etc. ' A TOTALLY NOT ABRUPT CONCLUSION' And so, in the end, you didn't really learn anything about the game as you hoped for. You did nothing but try to quickscope rocks with your pocket pistol, try to kill the HUD, and inevitably meet your doom at the hands of hunger, 1 zombie, and a farmhouse. You add a "dislike" to the game, de-activate your account on roblox, and proceed to play DAYZ on Steam again, because even though you're still totally getting PWNED by players and zombies alike, you don't have always die at the hands of hunger. Plus, you can crawl. It's always fun to act like you're dead, when someone comes from behind and shoots you in the head, making the act feel not as much like "acting" anymore. But, hey, who cares? It's only the life of a player, no big deal. I WOULD'VE ADDED MORE, BUT I'M TOO LAZY, SO HERE'S A PICTURE OF A KITTEN INSTEAD, M8. Category:Blog posts